Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 > 2007...2009 > 2008?

"It's the new year here in the Eastern Time Zone, a.k.a. the real time zone." —Alexa

I love that I was called and "had to be here" for her midnight countdown: "Only Dick Clark gets to do the countdown! Ten...five...two...two...happy new year!"

And now I hope my friend arrives quickly so my cough medicine doesn't knock me out before my midnight (and our frozen pizza feast).

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Snow of Doom

Here in Michigan, we're due to get a storm. And of course it isn't just a bit of a snow storm, it's the storm of the century. It's the Snow of Doom. It's the epic amount of snow that will dwarf all snowfalls that have come before it. It's the kind of snow, that according to the local news channels, will make you run in circles screaming "OH MY GAWD WE ALL GON' DIE". Yeah. It's that epic.

The icing on the cake? I'm due to work from 9:30 to 5 at the coffee shop I work at. I plan on bringing a couple of books and the puzzle page from the newspaper because I sincerely expect everyone in their right mind to stay inside as best they can.

I shall report in sometime tomorrow, if only to laugh hysterically as we don't get the 12 inches of snow expected, but really like...a dusting.

I shall cackle I say. Cackle.

Monday, December 15, 2008

I'm Leaving (left and came back) on a Jet Plane

But I came back in a car.

Not one, but two whole weekends ago I went to Chicago for the weekend. And of course it was so cold I could die. Most of the trip was non eventful, hung out with friends, did some shopping, ate food. You know-the usual.

But the highlight of the trip was A)Getting the hell out of Detroit. I loved every second being in a place easily described as "NOT HERE".
And B)I saw Twilight. For free (thank you lara's roommate, jeanette). AND IT WAS HILARIOUS. However, I must admit something. I think if I saw it under different circumstances...nah. Nevermind. I thought I could say I would like it otherwise, but it's just not true. Well, when I say "like" I mean get all like, invested and whatever in the characters. It wasn't the worst movie but the moments I laughed at I most certainly was not supposed to. But I will say this-main vampire boy who is all "I AM INTENSE, SPARKLY, PALE AND HARDCORE" is vaguely attractive. And tall.

I like tall.

The dad in the movie is a lot like mine. Drinking a beer and cleaning his shotgun when said boy shows up to take out his daughter.

EDWARD (vampire boy): NO, I'M OKAY, THANKS.

So there's that. Also, please read the whole parody where I laughed till I cried here.
It's worth every moment.

And with that, I think I'm done. For now. Merry early Christmas?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mid-December announcement

2008 totally pwned 2007.

I'll have more to say on that in a week or two or three.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Food dilemma

Alexa (5:10:35 PM): I'm hungry?
Me (5:10:46 PM): me too?
Alexa (5:10:49 PM): But we have like, no food?
Me (5:11:01 PM): I had coffee, cereal (CHEERIOS, but generic), and rice + steamed broccoli today
Alexa (5:11:10 PM): I long for Taco Bell?
Me (5:12:29 PM): except, I'm feeling healthy from my earlier food?

Saturday, November 29, 2008


I'm sitting at home watching Wall-E and it occurs to me.

I want a robot.

Now that I've got that out of my system, let's move on.

Last week at the coffee shop a friend of the customer I was serving referred to me as "the help". Like, her friend was all "Hey how is it going? Is R or J here? (R and J being my boss) No? Oh well—I'll have a grande nonfat sugar bear (or whatever). And then her friend is all "Who are R and J?" and the first lady is all "Oh I just chat with them when they're here—we have conversations about business" and the second lady is all "Wow. You must be here a lot if you're on a first name basis with the help."

And I was like "Lady, your housekeeper hates you. The I'll-Kill-You-In-Your-Sleep kind of hates you". I know it's wrong to assume that she even has a housekeeper, but you know she does. And you know that her housekeeper hates her. I'm actually very comfortable with that fact.

(I may or may not have just told that story like a 13 year old girl who reads Twilight (YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT) but I'm okay with that))

And speaking of Twilight, I think I want to see it provided I'm like...drunk and looking for the lulz. Who is in?

On that note, I'm going to finish Wall-E. It's the most awesome movie and I still want a robot.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Black AmEx count

Alexa: 1
Emily: 2

Emily > Alexa

Saturday, November 15, 2008

It Occurs To Me

It occurs to me that I haven't updated in like FOREVS.

So lets go back. Wwaaaayyyy back. To Election day.
I voted and didn't get a sticker. I was pissed.
--That's the end of that story.

My cat, Mouse, is staring at me in a way that makes me wonder if she'll try to kill me while I sleep. She has more toes than a normal cat, like Ernest Hemingway, and it's entirely possible she could do it.

I have a crush on my ballroom dancing teacher. I also just generally love ballroom dancing. It's good fun and I'm good at it.

And one last thing-I saw the New James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace. Daniel Craig is gorgeous. Like I said to Emily--

Me: /go see James Bond
Emily: ok
Me: James Bond is HOT
Emily: duh
Emily: last one was amazing
Me: Like "feel free to climb up me and have your way with me Mr Bond because if anything, I'll help/encourage you and not be all "I AM AN ICY BIATCH" because you is SEXY"
Emily: oooooooooooooooooooooooooh
Me: with his pretty blue eyes

Anyway. I've got a few stories from the coffee shop/my life and I promise promise to share tomorrow. But right now, it's some IRON CHEF BIATCH.

Southern California is burninating

Friday, November 14, 2008

My life is lame

Except when I get to say things like this:

I met the fab MK&A Olsen on Wednesday night.

That is all.

Thursday, November 6, 2008


The other day (Monday? Tuesday?), I finally got to experience the joy.

I held my first Black AmEx.

(And Alexa, I TOTES THOUGHT OF YOU at the time.)

That is all.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Monday, November 3, 2008

Get Out The Vote

Now this is all I'll say.
Go vote.

And I'm off to vote tomorrow. And if I don't get a damn "I Voted" sticker, peeps will have a riot on their hands. I vote for the sticker.

I also have a crush on my ballroom dancing instructor.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Emily has a serious post

Charlotte Ann Bauer (nee Schmidt) of Arbor Vitae, WI, formerly of Muskego, died on October 31, 2008 at the age of 81 in La Plata, MD. She was preceded in death by her parents Frank and Lillian (nee Stiewe) Schmidt; her siblings Ralph Schmidt, Marge Haberkorn, Frances Domanski, Edward Schmidt, John Schmidt, Florence Longhurst, Marie Schaff, and Joan Dienberg; and her dear friends Joe and Annie Sorsak. She is survived by her husband of 54 years Victor Bauer; her loving daughter Vicki (Brian) Rehm of La Plata, MD; beloved grandchildren Emily, Abbey, and Nicholas Rehm; stepchildren Victor (Linda) Bauer Jr. of Eagle River, WI, Arlene (Wayne) Keller of Eagle River, WI, and Robert (Sharon) Bauer of Conover, WI; siblings Lorraine Schmidt, Frank Schmidt, Robert Schmidt, Richard Schmidt, and Audrey Manz; and many nieces, nephews, step-grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. She was an employee of the Howard Young Medical Center until her retirement.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Me: Wow
Me: That's bananas
me: B A N A N A S
Emily: love you
Me: Duh

No really. I know. I IS AWESOME.

You are too.
On that note-watching Law and Order Criminal Intent, because it is also awesome.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Sunday, October 19, 2008

It felt awesome

I stubbed my toe on the corner of the desk in here and that felt awesome. Also, I'm watching Transformers and Shia LaBeouf said it. So it was like a freaky coincidence of the cosmic variety.

I've been saying "Oh Good Grief" a lot. It's like Charlie Brown with an attitude.

I also learned that apparently it really IS that insane that I'm taking 3 languages at once. Like, totally nutso insane. So there's that.

I have to call Ireland tomorrow

EDIT-Apparently it isn't clear exactly what Shia LaBeouf said. He falls off his bike in Transformers, right? In front of the hot chick? And she's all "That was...awesome (NOT)" and he's all " FELT awesome...g2g hot girl, Satan's Camero is stalking me".
---I may or may not have paraphrased this scene.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Friends Our Theme

Inspired by my DVD-marathons with my new roommate...this is the story of me and Alexa:

So no one told you life was going to be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke, you're love life's DOA
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year

But I'll be there for you when the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you like I've been there before
I'll be there for you, 'cause you're there for me too

Saturday, October 11, 2008

My job title is now "Professional Daytime TV Contestant"

First Ellen DeGeneres, now The Price Is Right.

Watch me play on October 23.

Friday, October 10, 2008

And a few closing thoughts


Hot cider? Yummy
Hot cider with caramel? Really yummy
Hot cider with caramel and whipped cream? Really really yummy

Hot cider with caramel and whipped cream and whiskey? Priceless

And I love House.

Observational Humor

I overheard in some commercial that the other person they were speaking to would be great at a column of "observational humor". Now, let us all ponder what that really means. I feel like one can be humourous, and one can be observational. And on the rare occasion that the two shall meet, you get a David Sedaris or a Jean Shephard. Otherwise, I can't help but think that it's an odd statement. Not that there isn't a form of potential "observational humor" to be had. I just think it's a strange way to categorize it.

Moving on.

I am now enrolled in ballroom dancing lessons. And it is awesome.

I stayed for 4 hours, the entire class period in my Russian class yesterday. I also sit next to a dedicated nail picker. *pick pick pick pick*
It's like a louder second hand on a clock that irritates me more than clocks do. I actually like things that tick. And I mean that in a totally non-creepy bomber way.

To end this lovely entry, I have some cut/scratch thing on my right pointer finger and it hurts when I stretch to type things, like the letter "y" or "I" (only sometimes). Which means I'm done.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Friday, October 3, 2008

I learned to dance

Tonight I went to an open house thing at the local Arthur Murray. I learned to dance. It is way too much fun and I plan on learning more. From some cute boys.

A few thoughts I promise to elaborate on-
--Having your brakes fail suck
--I am tired of cool, indie, hipster flicks with underground, scene soundtracks and "witty" dialogue
--I love Tim Gunn and hate Kenley

That's about it for now. I have a lesson at Arthur Murray this Wednesday which will be awesome because I will learn to dance.

Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip

Thou shalt not steal if there is direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Decker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, or Syd Barret in vain.
Thou shalt not think that any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a pedophile...some people are just nice.
Thou shalt not read NME.
Thall shalt not stop liking a band just because they’ve become popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by its cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
Thall shalt not buy Coca-Cola products. Thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs, and cheat on him.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art, or music to get into girls’ pants. Use it to get into their heads.
Thou shalt not watch Hollyokes.
Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave before it’s done just because you’ve finished your shitty little poem or song, you self-righteous prick.
Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just ’cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you’re never gonna fucking talk to.

Thou shalt not put musicians and recording artists on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were.
The Beatles - Were just a band.
Led Zepplin - Just a band.
The Beach Boys - Just a band.
The Sex Pistols - Just a band.
The Clash - Just a band.
Crass - Just a band.
Minor Threat - Just a band.
The Cure - Just a band.
The Smiths - Just a band.
Nirvana - Just a band.
The Pixies - Just a band.
Oasis - Just a band.
Radiohead - Just a band.
Bloc Party - Just a band.
The Arctic Monkeys - Just a band.
The next big thing - Just a band.

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries.
Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches, and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.

Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
When I say "Hey" thou shalt not say "Ho."
When I say "Hip" thou shalt not say "Hop."
When I say, he say, she say, we say, make some noise - kill me.
Thou shalt not quote me happy.
Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.
Thou shalt not wish you girlfriend was a freak like me.
Thou shalt spell the word "Pheonix" P-H-E-O-N-I-X not P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you.
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying "Is it."
Thou shalt think for yourselves.

And thou shalt always kill.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Sometimes I do cool stuff

Today I did a photoshoot for Whitehorse (now Wildfox). Ever see the movie Dazed and Confused? Doesn't matter. We reenacted the hazing scene for our shoot. The main models were fabulously 70's, and four of us were their "freshmen" to harass...with ketchup, mustard, and flour.

Don't let that photo fool you. We were serious business.

We then moved into a car wash...and gathered an audience as we got wet and soapy. Mr. Creepo Spectator ever brought out his camera phone to take a picture.

At the end of the adventure, I walked away with three shirts (including one that got mustardy), with 3 more on order from their new collection.

So that's my story, though Alexa is still MIA.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I'm ready for "House"

$2.50 Searidge white zinfandel in a light-up glass, sharp cheddar cubes, and reduced-fat Wheat Thins


Even if it was obvious news.

So Lohan finally admitted to her relationship with Ronson, saying they've been going out for "a long time now," and thanked the radio host when he said he hopes they're happy together for a long time because they're a lovely couple.

And Clay Aiken is coming out in People magazine tomorrow.


Some kid just walked down my hallway singing, "Skunk in the barnyard, pee-yew. Somebody farted, that's you."


Moving on.

So tomorrow I have an interview at Starbucks. Way to put my degree to good use, huh? Whatev, at least I'm helping The Recording Academy with some Grammy voting prep on Thursday...

(someone please hire me: music business, salary, benefits)

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Emmy's will only be absurd once. Unless you tape them

Emily: Do I really wanna end my House-a-thon for the Emmys in 10 mins?
Me: hm...I don't know
Me: I say maybe go for a bit and then you can always come back
Me: I mean, House will be there. The Emmy's will only be absurd once
Emily: lol
Emily: k
Me: lol

And here we are, blogging about the AmEx.

So about a week ago I was working at the coffee shop when this dude came in. It was raining, thanks to Hurricane Ike. (and on a sidenote there, i went golfing the day before and man oh man did I get soaked. I mean, not like a little bit wet but like, totes sopping, dripping wet. It made going to Meijers WICKED COLD. Nay, freezing. Just thought I should share)

So. Rewind a bit, to Sunday when it was rainy wet and Ike was raining like whoa. This guy came in with his son and bought a coffee (of some kind, it's been a week-I don't really remember transient details) and a hot chocolate for his son (but I do remember that). It was about 7 min to go in the fourth quarter of the Lions game-Man was that embarrassing-anyway. To make this story a bit shorter, he paid with an AmEx.

An AmEx black card.

So that's pretty much my story. Nutty, eh?

P.S.-They are made of titanium and feel funny. So there's that.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


This was the Video Of the Day on her site:

And here are screencaps (or, um, digital pictures of my TV):

Musings on Totes Bril pop music

So to prevent this from becoming solely "The Emily Show", I have returned. With some pretty deep stuff. While watching The Devil Wears Prada.

While switching cds in my car, it occurred to me-What is it that makes a perfect pop song? I'm not talking about certain masterpieces like "Take On Me" or "99 Luft Balloons" or things of that nature. I also am excluding Prince's entire catalog, basically because I said so.

So back to the question at hand-what makes a brilliant pop song? And what are some of my favourites?
Having grown up in the 90's, I too, have come out the other side a boyband survivor. During those adolescent days I sat around listening to the geniusness of it all and sighing, wishing that some dreamboat like AJ McClean would come to my inevitable rescue from like...ninjas. (I didn't know the power of the ninja when I was 12-I was a sheltered child)

I narrowed down my selections to two choice songs. Having been thrust into the boyband phenomenon through the sugar sweet melodies of the Backstreet Boys, I am always predisposed to love I Want It That Way. It's so catchy. It's so sweet. I have no real idea what it's about, but it graced VH1's countdown of the top songs of 1999, meaning it had to be pretty darned awesome.

On the other hand, my attachment to the post-BSB group of equally good looking young men with potentially questionable hairstyles (AKA *NSYNC), is pretty deep. I was ill with an ear infection, watching their concert on the Disney Channel when they stole my heart. I then and there picked Lance Bass as my favourite, because I thought he dressed slightly less stupid than the rest of them. I really should've seen the admission of "gay" coming. But I didn't and that's a different story.

So their catchy little ditty I Want You Back is catchy in the way I Want It That Way is. You sing, you dance, you commit totally to it when it comes on the radio in your car. One point in *NSYNC's favor is I actually do know what the song is about. Otherwise, I feel this is one of those moments in history when you go "Which goes deeper, my love of NSYNC or my love of BSB?"

These are not questions that can be answered easily, or succinctly, as proven by my charming little ramble. Regardless of the implications, I feel I have posed a question for the ages. I Want It That Way or I Want You Back? Both have catchy melodies, reasonable lyrics, notes that most everyone can hit while driving (or such) and a connection to those delightful 90's. May they live on in infamy. And my cd player.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


Dear Ellen, staff, crew, and interns whose job may be to google all things related to the show:


Love (x100),


No, for real. Not just an audience crowd shot (though I AM right there when she dances down my aisle). I make a spectacular appearance crawling across the stage in a lifejacket in pursuit of apples. I lost the game so hard, but came home with an iPod Touch, among other totally sweet swag.

I LOVE ELLEN, and she really does look that awesome up close in person. I want to look that fabulous when I'm 50!

And in conclusion, my birthday was super.

(I love Ellen)

Mine is ice cream cake

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Friday, September 12, 2008

Oh Ike

You know, this hurricane Ike business is scary. All hurricanes are scary, but this is scary too. I suppose it makes me grateful that I live on a hill in a state that if a hurricane were to come, we'd be having lots of discussions, the least of which being "And HOW did a Hurricane make it up for Michigan?"

Moving on.

Since I didn't report in on the Idiot Twins yesterday, we'll give a short update.
They sit behind me in my French class and are just so effing lazy your head would explode. I understand that learning a new language is difficult, but those people who put forth effort I respect. It can be a hard and scary thing to learn a new language, and I applaud those who are trying.

But the Idiot Twins (aka the Moron Twins) are not. One of them has a Juicy Couture highlighter.
That's right. A Juicy Couture highlighter. Can we take a moment and discuss? Where do you get a couture highlighter? What makes it couture as compared to something I could buy at Office Max? Just how much is a couture highlighter? Could I buy one instead of like...a pair of jeans from the Gap? Those are like...60 bucks you know.

They also just don't try at all, and it irritates me to my core. The only slight upside is I think the teacher is starting to catch on and is just as annoyed as I am.

I now have to go to bed because I am golfing tomorrow. Just so you know-I've decided to take up golf. I have red golf clubs and everything.

EDIT 11:15 pm-For those who were concerned, apparently I can buy a whole stationary set which includes the highlighter for $35. For those who are interested, investigate here

I LOVE 2003

I'm approximately two minutes into watching I Love the New Millennium: 2003 on VH1 (okay, really? do we already need to reminisce about the current decade?)...and I FREAKING LOVE 2003!
  • Finding Nemo
  • The Governator beating Mary Carey and Gary Coleman
  • Paris Hilton's sex tape
  • Saddam's capture
And that's only the intro to this show! WHO KNOWS WHAT OTHER AMAZINGNESS I WILL BE REMINDED OF?!

EDIT: 4:22pm
  • Michael Jackson trial
  • Joe Millionaire TV show
  • Sisqo's "Hotties I'd Like to See In Thongs" segment!

EDIT: 4:43pm
  • CLAY AIKEN and Claymates
  • Sigfried, Roy, and the tiger mauling

This is our story

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I made some crazy chili-cheese-tomato-sour cream nachos

When I returned home from my internship, Yahoo's front page invited me to learn how to "turn your culinary passion into career"—great, now even the internet knows how to reach Alexa via me.

In other news, my building's intercom system is finally set up to include me on the directory downstairs. So now if you come to visit, you can dial 28 and I'll buzz you in from my cell phone. Just FYI.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Squid Parts

Hearing anyone, much less Alton Brown say, "Well gosh! If only I had a pound and a half of assorted squid parts!", is really disgusting.

I don't even mind squid. But watching him cook it (and chop it up with its various in sundry parts), is real gross.

Edit 11:20 pm-And when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the words "Squid Paste" were bandied about. The image isn't much better.

And there you have it...

A: This is going to be effing sweet
A: I also think this will fill the void in our lives
A: That big gaping void that basically is our life

This was all Alexa's idea

A: You know, we should blog
A: It'd be like reality tv, with words

A: I think this will be great
E: me too

Well, you know what they say about high fructose corn syrup

I actually have no idea what it is they say about high fructose corn syrup, but those ads strike me as funny. With a little bit of imagination it goes from high fructose corn syrup to...
-"Well you know what they say about tall women, right?"
-"No, I honestly don't have a clue...what do they say?"
-"...They can reach the top shelf..."

Today I had my Chinese class and I didn't even have to go into work, which is always an exciting thing. For those not in the know, I work at a local coffee shop in town making tres chic beverages for peeps who love things like...a quad grande half caf skinny skinny soy vanilla bean with sugar free vanilla and a pump of...peppermint (or whatever). It really makes my morning, making these drinks.

Tomorrow-reports on the moron twins who sit behind me in French